A recent article by the Sun newspaper established beyond reasonable thought that Vladimir Putin is guilty of bringing down flight MH17. At first glance its headline and article might seem a bit mad but further investigation has scientifically proved that the newspaper was right all along and that Putin not only single-handedly shot down the plane but is actually responsible for everything bad that has happened or will happen.
The news might spoil the fun of a small number of millions of people who were enjoying Putin making Obama and Cameron look stupid but, by a stroke of luck, it gets a lot of suspects who are completely innocent right off the hook. Suppressed minorities, for so long subject to smear and innuendo by gangs of sensible people can now go about their business secure in the knowledge that no-one will suspect them of starting World War Three. Such minorities include international financiers, warmongers and the owners of multinational oligarchies and other benevolent organisations.
The Sun is the recent winner of the Rupert Murdoch Award for services to the Friends of Rupert Murdoch. It has earned many accolades for not being at all biased by only printing what it is told to print by people whose only desire is for mankind to see the Truth. This enables mankind to not worry its empty head about facts, justice or other idle distractions like thinking – these only get in the way of the rights of oligarchs to own everything. Therefore everything the Sun and similar newspapers print is completely reliable and can be used by the public as a firm foundation for routine day-to-day decisions such as whether to sit by or even grunt approval as perfect strangers kill lots of other perfect strangers for lots of very good reasons nobody understands.
The Sun and other reliable proponents of peace, truth and justice would never stoop so low as to not advocate the killing of people who clearly deserve it or shy away from a routine war given slight but nevertheless vacuous excuses. It has been further vindicated by the latest revelations.
Research by the Obama-Cameron Foundation for Not Lying has brought to light startling evidence that Vladimir Putin personally fired the missile that destroyed flight MH17. For security reasons, the evidence will not be released until late 2197 or everybody is dead, whichever is the later, but spokes-fibbers for both Washington and London were quick (30 seconds) to go on record with the following statement:
“We have seen the evidence and we are obviously devastated that we cannot let anyone else see it. But we can confirm that it presents . . . er, evidence that proves completely – and you can trust on this one – that Putin did it. If you were able to see the evidence and not look at it too closely, you would see that we have reluctantly, after many seconds of soul-searching, concluded that Putin is just like Hitler and is probably also responsible (Putin, that is, not Hitler) for the disappearance of MH370 over the Pacific a few weeks ago. The fact that Putin has not refuted it also confirms, along with our own unblemished reputation for not condemning people before anyone has time to think, that he did it. And if he didn’t do it, we have to ask: why hasn’t he proved he didn’t do it? Eh? After all, if he would just step forward with his evidence, we can promise him a fair lynching in the media we don’t at all ever try to influence. ”
The evidence, which will later be turned into a novel by JK Rowling entitled “Harry Potter and the Evil Empire in the West that turned out to be not at all evil despite all evidence to the contrary” can be summarised into the following harrowing time-fable of “events”:
Things in Ukraine had been going quite well, with the Kiev regime taking a bit of a spanking at the hands of the separatists and Washington and London obligingly making complete fools of themselves. Putin was therefore determined to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory and to outsmart his foes, cleverly play into the hands of the Western propaganda machine and help the international banking cartels get a profitable war up and running all across Europe. He did the only thing he could possibly do in such a desperate situation.
Disguised as a bitumen blender from Lutsk he travelled to Ukraine and sneaked into a government military base. While everyone was preoccupied with firing democratic missiles at housewives, shopkeepers and other enemies of civilisation in Donetsk, he managed to knock out a pilot and steal his plane. Taking his plane into the air over separatist-held territory, all he had to do was wait for an airliner on a routine flight along safe air corridors to the south to inexplicably change course over Donetsk and run the gamut of missiles flying in all directions, something civilian pilots often like to do. Sure enough, before long flight MH17 did just that, which was an amazing stroke of luck – although the luck could not be said to extend to Malaysian Airlines that for some reason just does not seem to be having any luck at all, having lost an identical plane after a similar inexplicable course change only a few weeks earlier! Anyway, there’s no need to go into that bizarre coincidence as it isn’t important at all. Suffice to say, Putin steered his stolen plane on an intercept course, fired a missile at it, then returned to base and sneaked home to Moscow secure in the knowledge that on the ground the Kiev-Washington-London propaganda experts would swiftly get to work, issuing a string of press releases that would turn the world against him as he so deviously hoped. Sadly, subsequent events fell short of his expectations as he had quite forgotten that nobody in their right mind believes a word that comes out of the mouths of the aforementioned propagandists.
The events described above have been meticulously documented on the back of a bus ticket now securely locked away where no-one can see it. But luckily the whole event was filmed and published on YouTube and can be seen at the website FakeVideosThatProveNothingExceptWeAreNotVeryGoodAtFakingVideos.com. Viewers are warned not to be too surprised by background shots that clearly show that the city of Donetsk is uncannily similar to Leamington Spa, plus other shots that show sentries at the Kiev military base have all worked at various times as extras in Hollywood movies.
It has been quite suddenly proven too – quite out of the blue – with evidence said to comprise a dossier millimetres thick, that Putin is responsible for most of the world’s ills and not as most people had supposed, the people who actually caused them. Again these sudden revelations are an amazingly fortuitous coincidence that benefits – quite coincidentally and not engineered at all – groups of saintly and fair-minded bankers and various politicians in their employ who had recently come to the inescapable conclusion that he is just like Hitler.
The evidence for Putin being just like Hitler is quite strong and mainly centres around Prince Charles’ statement that he is . . . er, just like Hitler. Yet scientific evidence has emerged that further strengthens the case for Putin being a demented Nazi. If you take a recent photo of the Moscow-based despot and, using advanced facial recognition software, draw a small moustache on it and a stupid haircut, the resemblance between Putin and Hitler leaves one in no doubt they are one and the same! This of course leaves the West with no choice but to start a war in Europe to bring down the despot before he does something really evil like starting a war in Europe.
As for the other evils for which Putin is responsible, here are just a few from a very long list:
THE FAILURE OF THE ENGLAND FOOTBALL TEAM AT THE RECENT WORLD CUP. Putin used his influence with Russian Oligarch Roman Abramovic who owns Chelsea FC, and thus several key England players, to make sure England fell well short of their reasonably expected world domination.
PREVENTING THE WAR IN SYRIA THAT EVERYBODY IN WASHINGTON HAD BEEN SO LOOKING FORWARD TO. Sabotaging the Western war effort has crippled the American economy, for which war was a key strategy – actually, the only strategy – for a return to prosperity for those who survive it (and are also involved in banking).
HYPNOTISING BARAK OBAMA INTO BEING INCOMPETENT. This occurred at an early meeting between the two premiers just after Obama came to power. In similar vein, it is now known that Putin used the same mind control techniques to rob George Bush of most of his IQ points.
FORCING PRIME MINSTER CAMERON to make vacuous speeches loaded with cringe-worthy hypocrisy. This he was able to do pull off by staying in Moscow and letting Cameron open his mouth.
MAKING FRIENDS WITH OTHER COUNTRIES such as China, India, Germany and Austria. This is something only somebody really evil will do. It is well known that making friends with countries is impossible in any case.
GETTING A HUNDRED MILLION “LIKES” ON HIS FACEBOOK PAGE.
UNDEMOCRATICALLY ALLOWING CRIMEA TO JOIN RUSSIA after a small minority (97%) misguidedly asked to join Russia. This completely violated the rights of the remaining 3%.
CAUGHT ON TAPE referring to Cameron as a “podborodka kretin” (chinless cretin).
GIVING ASYLUM TO EDWARD SNOWDEN after the former analyst became the most wanted man in the history of the world by grassing up his government, which is known the length and breadth of Capitol Hill to be the most heinous crime known to man.
LOOKING MUCH BETTER ON TV THAN OBAMA. For incontrovertible evidence, just watch TV.
INVADING GAZA using Russian troops disguised as Isaeli storm troopers
INVENTING PARKING TICKETS. Most traffic wardens have been discovered to be former agents for the KGB.
CAUSING BRITISH WEATHER TO BE UNCOMFORTABLY HOT (above 20F)
INCITING WESTERN MEDIA to insult the intelligence of its readers (Sid and Doris Loon of Warmongin Nebraska).