When edict 15965645-0990853489 comes into force in 2014, the new anthem will replace the existing anthems of all “member states”. The law will require the anthem to be sung in Esperanto in schools and places of work during the compulsory half hour exercise period at the beginning of each day. While singing the new anthem “participants” will be expected to go down on one knee, bow their heads and face in the direction of Strasbourg.
Many people are still unaware that compulsory exercise was introduced at the beginning of May, due to a backlog in mailing out warning notices and court summonses. The information jam is thought to have been caused in part by the sheer volume of edicts being issued by the Imperial Ministry of Edicts in Brussels resulting in a shortage of paper, plus staff shortages at the European Ministry of Confusing Regulations resulting from absenteeism occasioned by a spate of injuries and heart attacks during the exercise period.
Compulsory exercise was introduced to “safeguard the health of the people” but is expected soon to be banned after reports of people fainting, pulling muscles or experiencing medication flashbacks. When the ban comes into force, all exercise will become illegal. In explaining the reason for the banning of exercise Brussels lawmakers cited new Health and Safety regulations that came in across Europe this year.
These regulations, conveniently packaged in a 3409 page pamphlet easily understood by any average citizen with a law degree, make it illegal for anyone to hurt themselves except by the new, safer, government-approved methods such as eating GMOs, consuming pharmaceutical products, living next to fracking stations, radiation poisoning or being bombed by America (or Britain or Al Qaeda if America is too busy bombing someone else). Jogging in particular has been a cause for concern for quite some time because no-one can recall ever seeing the same jogger twice.
Once the mandatory exercise period is banned and non-exercise becomes mandatory, this will leave room for all 137 verses of the new anthem to be sung in full during the compulsory half hour non-exercise period and just prior to the ensuing five-minute period allowed for taking medications.
However, concerns have been raised that the singing of all 137 verses could put undue strain on vocal chords and thereby risk serious injury or put under emotional stress millions of people who have never learned more than the first two lines of any song (except Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen) or can only rap.
Brussels has taken such concerns into account and Britain’s representative on the European Parliament’s National Anthem Committee, Jon Who? MEP, said that it will not be illegal for those who can’t remember the words to sing dum-dum-de-dum instead or simply mime according to the age-old custom.
The British national anthem “God save the Queen” will therefore be replaced by the new anthem, which is entitled “God Help Us All.”
There are moves, however, to drop the term “God” from the title as the existence of the deity is not yet scientifically proven and mention thereof could upset atheists or indeed the followers of Satan, the latter now being in the majority in some areas especially in the upper echelons of world government and whose existence has been proved beyond reasonable doubt by Barak Obama and other researchers.
There are also fears that those who don’t want to be helped could be upset as well. Being helped is now mandatory all across Europe, obliging all citizens (except old people, poor people, employed people, entrepreneurs and nurses) to be helped whether they like it or not from whatever the new laws say they are suffering from. However, the help given does not actually help anybody and usually makes them worse in the best traditions of government, so in light of that fact it may be deemed acceptable by those who don’t want help to sing the anthem anyway, smugly secure in the knowledge they won’t really get any help in any case.
Those who still have trouble singing the new anthem will be helped to overcome this, mainly by heavy fines or terms of imprisonment, measures that usually help people find hidden resources they did not know they had (and even though they did not want help finding them.)
In the light of these facts there are also moves to change the title of the new anthem from “God Help Us All” to “Chance Help Us All or Not Depending on What Happens (Except Those Who Don’t Want to Be Helped)”.
In deference to the great silent majority who are in apathy and whose emotional needs should also be taken into account even though they don’t care whether they are or not, a subtitle may be added to the main title along the lines of “Even though it’s all Pointless Anyway.” And if all this is too much of a mouthful, especially for the small three-hundred-million minority who can’t be bothered, the title of the Anthem may in the end be shortened to “Whatever.”
The British Pro European Movement (Sid and Doris Loon of Sidcup) today issued a statement that enthusiastically welcomed the democratic imposition of the new anthem. Whilst praising the way the Franco-German Empire continues to introduce changes into our lives smoothly without imposing on us the rigmarole of having to think or talk – or even know – about them, Sid Loon said:
“The idea is to create a thoroughly modern anthem in keeping with the mood and plight of modern European subjects who are all of course the same even though they speak different languages and have different histories, needs, cultures, aspirations and – in the case of Britain - weather.
"Despite our differences,” he said “there are many points of agreement that bring us together, such as not liking one another, not wanting the European Union and wanting to be rich, comfortable and safe without any hassle or, indeed, effort.”
For those of you who give a toss, here are the first few lines of the new Anthem:
"God help us all, we’ve grown too smallSo let’s all grow smaller together.
The world is a mess, mismanaged to death
So more of the same is in order.
Trusting in tax, funny money and debt
Fracking and loony solutions
We’ll go with the flow wherever it leads
If regulations can spare us from thinking.
And hidden agenda that require our surrender
Are all right by us provided
There’s no need to bother lifting a finger
And our decisions are already decided
By men without faces in faraway places
Who know best despite being stupid.
They have our best interests firmly at heart
If you don’t count inflation
Compounded from the start
With penalties and fines for late payment.
So long as we want what they say we want
They are quite happy to let us have it
And . . . dum-te-dum-te dum etc."
Related News: only one person in ten knows the dance steps for the new anthem a new study reveals. This is surprising as the steps involve mostly shuffling, plus a fair bit of falling over. . .
Steve Cook is the author of Genghis Kant, a tongue-in-cheek sci fi spoof. See a current newspaper review here. Visit the Genghis Kant on Facebook for a free copy of Steve's latest story "Spilt Milk" of which one reader said: “Loved the Spilt Milk story. Loved the characters and how it all linked together.”