Vladmir Pution is Guilty of Everything

A recent article by the Sun newspaper established beyond reasonable thought that Vladimir Putin is guilty of bringing down flight MH17. At first glance its headline and article might seem a bit mad but further investigation has scientifically proved that the newspaper was right all along and that Putin not only single-handedly shot down the plane but is actually responsible for everything bad that has happened or will happen.
The news might spoil the fun of a small number of millions of people who were enjoying Putin making Obama and Cameron look stupid but, by a stroke of luck, it gets a lot of suspects who are completely innocent right off the hook. Suppressed minorities, for so long subject to smear and innuendo by gangs of sensible people can now go about their business secure in the knowledge that no-one will suspect them of starting World War Three. Such minorities include international financiers, warmongers and the owners of multinational oligarchies and other benevolent organisations.
The Sun is the recent winner of the Rupert Murdoch Award for services to the Friends of Rupert Murdoch. It has earned many accolades for not being at all biased by only printing what it is told to print by people whose only desire is for mankind to see the Truth. This enables mankind to not worry its empty head about facts, justice or other idle distractions like thinking – these only get in the way of the rights of oligarchs to own everything. Therefore everything the Sun and similar newspapers print is completely reliable and can be used by the public as a firm foundation for routine day-to-day decisions such as whether to sit by or even grunt approval as perfect strangers kill lots of other perfect strangers for lots of very good reasons nobody understands.
The Sun and other reliable proponents of peace, truth and justice would never stoop so low as to not advocate the killing of people who clearly deserve it or shy away from a routine war given slight but nevertheless vacuous excuses. It has been further vindicated by the latest revelations.
Research by the Obama-Cameron Foundation for Not Lying has brought to light startling evidence that Vladimir Putin personally fired the missile that destroyed flight MH17. For security reasons, the evidence will not be released until late 2197 or everybody is dead, whichever is the later, but spokes-fibbers for both Washington and London were quick (30 seconds) to go on record with the following statement:
“We have seen the evidence and we are obviously devastated that we cannot let anyone else see it. But we can confirm that it presents . . .  er, evidence that proves completely – and you can trust on this one – that Putin did it. If you were able to see the evidence and not look at it too closely, you would see that we have reluctantly, after many seconds of soul-searching, concluded that Putin is just like Hitler and is probably also responsible (Putin, that is, not Hitler) for the disappearance of MH370 over the Pacific a few weeks ago. The fact that Putin has not refuted it also confirms, along with our own unblemished reputation for not condemning people before anyone has time to think, that he did it. And if he didn’t do it, we have to ask: why hasn’t he proved he didn’t do it? Eh? After all, if he would just step forward with his evidence, we can promise him a fair lynching in the media we don’t at all ever try to influence. ”
The evidence, which will later be turned into a novel by JK Rowling entitled “Harry Potter and the Evil Empire in the West that turned out to be not at all evil despite all evidence to the contrary” can be summarised into the following harrowing time-fable of “events”:
Things in Ukraine had been going quite well, with the Kiev regime taking a bit of a spanking at the hands of the separatists and Washington and London obligingly making complete fools of themselves. Putin was therefore determined to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory and to outsmart his foes, cleverly play into the hands of the Western propaganda machine and help the international banking cartels get a profitable war up and running all across Europe. He did the only thing he could possibly do in such a desperate situation.
Disguised as a bitumen blender from Lutsk he travelled to Ukraine and sneaked into a government military base. While everyone was preoccupied with firing democratic missiles at housewives, shopkeepers and other enemies of civilisation in Donetsk, he managed to knock out a pilot and steal his plane. Taking his plane into the air over separatist-held territory, all he had to do was wait for an airliner on a routine flight along safe air corridors to the south to inexplicably change course over Donetsk and run the gamut of missiles flying in all directions, something civilian pilots often like to do. Sure enough, before long flight MH17 did just that, which was an amazing stroke of luck – although the luck could not be said to extend to Malaysian Airlines that for some reason just does not seem to be having any luck at all, having lost an identical plane after a similar inexplicable course change only a few weeks earlier! Anyway, there’s no need to go into that bizarre coincidence as it isn’t important at all. Suffice to say, Putin steered his stolen plane on an intercept course, fired a missile at it, then returned to base and sneaked home to Moscow secure in the knowledge that on the ground the Kiev-Washington-London propaganda experts would swiftly get to work, issuing a string of press releases that would turn the world against him as he so deviously hoped. Sadly, subsequent events fell short of his expectations as he had quite forgotten that nobody in their right mind believes a word that comes out of the mouths of the aforementioned propagandists.
The events described above have been meticulously documented on the back of a bus ticket now securely locked away where no-one can see it. But luckily the whole event was filmed and published on YouTube and can be seen at the website FakeVideosThatProveNothingExceptWeAreNotVeryGoodAtFakingVideos.com. Viewers are warned not to be too surprised by background shots that clearly show that the city of Donetsk is uncannily similar to Leamington Spa, plus other shots that show sentries at the Kiev military base have all worked at various times as extras in Hollywood movies.
It has been quite suddenly proven too – quite out of the blue – with evidence said to comprise a dossier millimetres thick, that Putin is responsible for most of the world’s ills and not as most people had supposed, the people who actually caused them. Again these sudden revelations are an amazingly fortuitous coincidence that benefits – quite coincidentally and not engineered at all – groups of saintly and fair-minded bankers and various politicians in their employ who had recently come to the inescapable conclusion that he is just like Hitler.
The evidence for Putin being just like Hitler is quite strong and mainly centres around Prince Charles’ statement that he is . . . er, just like Hitler. Yet scientific evidence has emerged that further strengthens the case for Putin being a demented Nazi. If you take a recent photo of the Moscow-based despot and, using advanced facial recognition software, draw a small moustache on it and a stupid haircut, the resemblance between Putin and Hitler leaves one in no doubt they are one and the same! This of course leaves the West with no choice but to start a war in Europe to bring down the despot before he does something really evil like starting a war in Europe.
As for the other evils for which Putin is responsible, here are just a few from a very long list:
THE FAILURE OF THE ENGLAND FOOTBALL TEAM AT THE RECENT WORLD CUP. Putin used his influence with Russian Oligarch Roman Abramovic who owns Chelsea FC, and thus several key England players, to make sure England fell well short of their reasonably expected world domination.
PREVENTING THE WAR IN SYRIA THAT EVERYBODY IN WASHINGTON HAD BEEN SO LOOKING FORWARD TO. Sabotaging the Western war effort has crippled the American economy, for which war was a key strategy – actually, the only strategy – for a return to prosperity for those who survive it (and are also involved in banking).
HYPNOTISING BARAK OBAMA INTO BEING INCOMPETENT. This occurred at an early meeting between the two premiers just after Obama came to power. In similar vein, it is now known that Putin used the same mind control techniques to rob George Bush of most of his IQ points.
FORCING PRIME MINSTER CAMERON to make vacuous speeches loaded with cringe-worthy hypocrisy. This he was able to do pull off by staying in Moscow and letting Cameron open his mouth.
MAKING FRIENDS WITH OTHER COUNTRIES such as China, India, Germany and Austria. This is something only somebody really evil will do. It is well known that making friends with countries is impossible in any case.
UNDEMOCRATICALLY ALLOWING CRIMEA TO JOIN RUSSIA after a small minority (97%) misguidedly asked to join Russia. This completely violated the rights of the remaining 3%.
CAUGHT ON TAPE referring to Cameron as a “podborodka kretin” (chinless cretin).
GIVING ASYLUM TO EDWARD SNOWDEN after the former analyst became the most wanted man in the history of the world by grassing up his government, which is known the length and breadth of Capitol Hill to be the most heinous crime known to man.
LOOKING MUCH BETTER ON TV THAN OBAMA. For incontrovertible evidence, just watch TV.
INVADING GAZA using Russian troops disguised as Isaeli storm troopers
INVENTING PARKING TICKETS. Most traffic wardens have been discovered to be former agents for the KGB.
INCITING WESTERN MEDIA to insult the intelligence of its readers (Sid and Doris Loon of Warmongin Nebraska).
That’s enough evil for now.

Crimea Referendum - The Inside Story

Daily Scare Exclusive!

Our man in Crimea has managed to smuggle out a copy of the Crimea Referendum ballot paper. Here it is!

and by way of a further exclusive from our friends at The Liberty Beacon, you'll find reported nowhere else, we bring you a sneak preview of the ballot paper for the upcoming referendum of the people of planet Earth

Europe Introduces New National Anthem - Nobody Outraged

Shock news from the Brussels is that the European Empire – whose name was changed last week from the “European Union” by the ruling Reichsbank in Frankfurt, a move that will be announced to the public in early 2059 – has now made mandatory the adoption by all Subject Peoples (formerly known as Member States) of a new national anthem.

When edict 15965645-0990853489 comes into force in 2014, the new anthem will replace the existing anthems of all “member states”. The law will require the anthem to be sung in Esperanto in schools and places of work during the compulsory half hour exercise period at the beginning of each day. While singing the new anthem “participants” will be expected to go down on one knee, bow their heads and face in the direction of Strasbourg.

Many people are still unaware that compulsory exercise was introduced at the beginning of May, due to a backlog in mailing out warning notices and court summonses. The information jam is thought to have been caused in part by the sheer volume of edicts being issued by the Imperial Ministry of Edicts in Brussels resulting in a shortage of paper, plus staff shortages at the European Ministry of Confusing Regulations resulting from absenteeism occasioned by a spate of injuries and heart attacks during the exercise period.

Compulsory exercise was introduced to “safeguard the health of the people” but is expected soon to be banned after reports of people fainting, pulling muscles or experiencing medication flashbacks. When the ban comes into force, all exercise will become illegal. In explaining the reason for the banning of exercise Brussels lawmakers cited new Health and Safety regulations that came in across Europe this year.

These regulations, conveniently packaged in a 3409 page pamphlet easily understood by any average citizen with a law degree, make it illegal for anyone to hurt themselves except by the new, safer, government-approved methods such as eating GMOs, consuming pharmaceutical products, living next to fracking stations, radiation poisoning or being bombed by America (or Britain or Al Qaeda if America is too busy bombing someone else). Jogging in particular has been a cause for concern for quite some time because no-one can recall ever seeing the same jogger twice.

Once the mandatory exercise period is banned and non-exercise becomes mandatory, this will leave room for all 137 verses of the new anthem to be sung in full during the compulsory half hour non-exercise period and just prior to the ensuing five-minute period allowed for taking medications.

However, concerns have been raised that the singing of all 137 verses could put undue strain on vocal chords and thereby risk serious injury or put under emotional stress millions of people who have never learned more than the first two lines of any song (except Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen) or can only rap.

Brussels has taken such concerns into account and Britain’s representative on the European Parliament’s National Anthem Committee, Jon Who? MEP, said that it will not be illegal for those who can’t remember the words to sing dum-dum-de-dum instead or simply mime according to the age-old custom.

The British national anthem “God save the Queen” will therefore be replaced by the new anthem, which is entitled “God Help Us All.”
There are moves, however, to drop the term “God” from the title as the existence of the deity is not yet scientifically proven and mention thereof could upset atheists or indeed the followers of Satan, the latter now being in the majority in some areas especially in the upper echelons of world government and whose existence has been proved beyond reasonable doubt by Barak Obama and other researchers.

There are also fears that those who don’t want to be helped could be upset as well. Being helped is now mandatory all across Europe, obliging all citizens (except old people, poor people, employed people, entrepreneurs and nurses) to be helped whether they like it or not from whatever the new laws say they are suffering from. However, the help given does not actually help anybody and usually makes them worse in the best traditions of government, so in light of that fact it may be deemed acceptable by those who don’t want help to sing the anthem anyway, smugly secure in the knowledge they won’t really get any help in any case.

Those who still have trouble singing the new anthem will be helped to overcome this, mainly by heavy fines or terms of imprisonment, measures that usually help people find hidden resources they did not know they had (and even though they did not want help finding them.)

In the light of these facts there are also moves to change the title of the new anthem from “God Help Us All” to “Chance Help Us All or Not Depending on What Happens (Except Those Who Don’t Want to Be Helped)”.

In deference to the great silent majority who are in apathy and whose emotional needs should also be taken into account even though they don’t care whether they are or not, a subtitle may be added to the main title along the lines of “Even though it’s all Pointless Anyway.” And if all this is too much of a mouthful, especially for the small three-hundred-million minority who can’t be bothered, the title of the Anthem may in the end be shortened to “Whatever.”

The British Pro European Movement (Sid and Doris Loon of Sidcup) today issued a statement that enthusiastically welcomed the democratic imposition of the new anthem. Whilst praising the way the Franco-German Empire continues to introduce changes into our lives smoothly without imposing on us the rigmarole of having to think or talk – or even know – about them, Sid Loon said:

“The idea is to create a thoroughly modern anthem in keeping with the mood and plight of modern European subjects who are all of course the same even though they speak different languages and have different histories, needs, cultures, aspirations and – in the case of Britain - weather.

"Despite our differences,” he said “there are many points of agreement that bring us together, such as not liking one another, not wanting the European Union and wanting to be rich, comfortable and safe without any hassle or, indeed, effort.”

For those of you who give a toss, here are the first few lines of the new Anthem:

"God help us all, we’ve grown too small
So let’s all grow smaller together.
The world is a mess, mismanaged to death
So more of the same is in order.
Trusting in tax, funny money and debt
Fracking and loony solutions
We’ll go with the flow wherever it leads
If regulations can spare us from thinking.
And hidden agenda that require our surrender
Are all right by us provided
There’s no need to bother lifting a finger
And our decisions are already decided
By men without faces in faraway places
Who know best despite being stupid.
They have our best interests firmly at heart
If you don’t count inflation
Compounded from the start
With penalties and fines for late payment.
So long as we want what they say we want
They are quite happy to let us have it
And . . . dum-te-dum-te dum etc."
Related News: only one person in ten knows the dance steps for the new anthem a new study reveals. This is surprising as the steps involve mostly shuffling, plus a fair bit of falling over. . .

Steve Cook is the author of Genghis Kant, a tongue-in-cheek sci fi spoof. See a current newspaper review here. Visit the Genghis Kant on Facebook for a free copy of Steve's latest story "Spilt Milk" of which one reader said: “Loved the Spilt Milk story. Loved the characters and how it all linked together.”